two men stranded on a deserted island

This book of jokes was put together by my friend Slu and her friend Aaron. It is irreverent, nonsensical and jovial! Enjoy!

JOKEBOOK

Aaron ANDERSEN

with contributions by


Sarah Louise WALKER

©2001-2002, 2004

DIALOGUES

Vampire 1: How was your vampire party last night?
Vampire 2: It was good.


Santa: Are you a cannibal?
Donner: You'd think so, wouldn't you?


*phone rings*
Secretary: Hello, this is the Red Cross.
Ct. Dracula: Do you deliver?
Secretary: No.


invisible woman: Did you miss me while I was gone?
invisible man: You were gone?!
invisible woman: You don't love me! I'm leaving you!
invisible man: You're still here?


Sam: What lovely eyes you have.
Pam: Stop trying to kiss my ass, bitch.


Santa: Which reindeer has a cold?
Blitzen: Who?
Santa: Rudolph.
Blitzen: Why do you say that?
Santa: 'Cause his nose is red.
Blitzen: You sleigh me.


George: Did you hear what happened with the reanimated caveman who gave birth to an octopus?!
Frank: Yes.
George: Then no need to tell you again.


Bezel: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Bev: What?
Bezel: Hell if I know!
Bev: I hate you.


Frita: A monster was having dinner in a restaurant and ordered soup.


Orville: *trips*
James: That reminds me, I left something in the oven!


man 1: What time is it?
man 2: Who you callin', Clock Face?!


Marsha: How was your job interview?
Mary: I blew it.
Marsha: You whore.


two men stranded on a tiny desert island:
man 1: We are stranded on a tiny desert island.
man 2: Would you please stop saying that?


Sheila: There's something in my eye!
Ava: Is it your finger?
Sheila: Well I'll be...

Sheila: There's something in my ear!
Ava: It's your finger again.
Sheila: Ooooooooooohh!

Sheila: Mmmmmrrrph!
Ava: Finger.
Sheila: Thanks.
Ava: I really gotta stop hangin' out with you.


man 7: Someone can't count.
Aaron: Shut up!



Q&As

Q: What's the difference between a baby and peanut butter?

A: One comes in a jar (the peanut butter).


Q: What was the newlywed overheard shouting from the hotel room, on her honeymoon?

A: "Here comes the bride!"


Q: Why is it good to make an elevator angry?

A: It'll only work if you press it's buttons.


Q: Why did the baker strip when she was making gingerbread men?

A: So they would rise.


Q: What does a thief put on stolen toast?

A: Purchased jelly (to throw 'em off the trail).


Q: What does a pirate say while eating a sandwich?

A: mmrrgrrfmm

Q: What does a grammar-obsessed pirate say while eating a sandwich?

A: Mmrrgrrfmm


Q: How many pounds is a ten-pound weight?

A: Depends on where you buy it.


Q: What's 3,682 divided by the square root of 16?

A: 920.5


Q: How many coconuts are in a biscuit?

A: Depends on if it's a coconut biscuit.


Q: What color is a red crayon?

Q: What kind of lame question is that?

A: Don't answer a question with a question, idiot.


Q: Why didn't Superman ever drown in a pool when he was younger?

A: He always had excellent supervision.


Q: What did the dead three-year old's autopsy say?

A: How he died.


KNOCK KNOCK

*knock, knock*

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting co -

...wait wait, start over, I wasn't ready.


*knock, knock*

I'm deaf.

Oh, sorry.

No problem.


*knock, knock*

Who's there?

What? Really?! They are?! Where??!!

Pete Townsend: Thanks a lot for blowing our cover!


*knock, knock*

...

*knock, Knock*

...

*KNOCK, KNOCK*

...

Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, being a Jehovah's Witness and trying to get someone to answer the door.


HAPPY TO SEE ME

Answers to: Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

What on earth are you talking about? You know I don't like bananas.

Well I'll tell you this, I'm allergic to bananas... *nudge, nudge*

You're ugly and I like bananas, so the odds aren't in your favor.

I'm a woman.

Whatever it is, I'm giving it to your monkey.

Why the hell can't a guy be happy to see someone and have a banana in his pocket?!!

These pants don't have pockets.

It's an orange.


blind man: Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

man 1: Let go.

profanities and hemlines

Last Saturday I finally made time for the next step in my education to become more self-sufficient. Thus began my first foray into garment improvement! I certainly haven't gained the confidence to abandon the commercial clothing industry entirely, or for that matter to trust myself with the completion of an even hemline...but one step at a time.

I decided to improve upon a vest that I wear at least three times a week. You know the accessory, or shoe, or bag, or jacket that you're convinced pulls together every outfit...that's my vest. I picked it up at H&M, and it's ALMOST perfect...with the exception of four, cheap, plastic blue buttons.

I began my day by heading over to The Button Store where I was introduced to a cornucopia of buttons made from antler, bone, ivory, shell, wood, glass, metal and leather. Buttons of every material and color filled both walls in the long, narrow shop. Ornate glass and ivory pieces plumed, unashamed of their vanity, within polished glass cases. I too was attracted by their elegance, but sense reminded me of my mission. The couple running the shop informed me that their store had been located on 3rd Street for 10 years, but had existed in another part of town long before. I'd have asked more questions but my timidity and their determination to quench my button drought quickly set us toward finding the right pieces for my project. Not feeling particularly brave that morning I expected to pick a sleek pair of shell buttons in a shade of brown. However the wonderful woman running the shop brought out a carved wooden set, with simple detailing and lush texture. I was hooked!

I arrived home to find that I was not the only person attempting a sewing project that day. The Ravishing Texan was taking on a much more ambitious project than my own, which I observed gleefully, and Ms. HopHop was finally learning to thread her sewing machine! And so we became a group of busy, worker bees gaining pleasure from our creative and daring exploits, and fun conversation. Needless to say I fancied myself back in that childhood fantasy of log cabins and home churned butter. An illusion that was abruptly shattered when The T Man decided it was time to check on his favorite baseball team. Regardless the projects were exciting for each of us, and though HopHop's definitely elicited a few profanities, we were each proud of our individual endeavors.

Sewing on Buttons 101:

I began by removing the plastic buttons. A couple snips with a slim fabric scissor will do it.

Next thread your needle and line up the two ends until they're even.


Tie a knot in the end. Tie another knot directly over the first one. Make sure the knots are thick enough so that they cannot slip through the fabric.

Then line up your first button and beginning from the underside of the fabric poke your needle through the first button hole. Loop it back down through the second button hole, and again up through the first. Continue this pattern until you've gone through each hole four times.


The top should look something like this.


The bottom will look something like this.


Next, poke the needle back through the fabric, but not through the button hole. Pull the thread through the fabric.


Then, twine the thread around the base of the button. This strengthens the loops made through the button and helps to keep the button sturdy.


Once you've completed the twine pull the needle through to the underside...


...and begin tying off the knot. Start by poking the needle through the looped thread that has already been sewn into the fabric. Pull it through until you're left with...


...a small loop. Send the needle through this loop and pull it tight. Repeat this action a second time and you're done!

Once completed my vest looks like an entirely new piece of clothing! It will definitely be showing up in future remixes.