This book of jokes was put together by my friend Slu and her friend Aaron. It is irreverent, nonsensical and jovial! Enjoy!
JOKEBOOK
Aaron ANDERSEN
with contributions by
Sarah Louise WALKER
©2001-2002, 2004
DIALOGUES
Vampire 1: How was your vampire party last night?
Vampire 2: It was good.
Santa: Are you a cannibal?
Donner: You'd think so, wouldn't you?
*phone rings*
Secretary: Hello, this is the Red Cross.
Ct. Dracula: Do you deliver?
Secretary: No.
invisible woman: Did you miss me while I was gone?
invisible man: You were gone?!
invisible woman: You don't love me! I'm leaving you!
invisible man: You're still here?
Sam: What lovely eyes you have.
Pam: Stop trying to kiss my ass, bitch.
Santa: Which reindeer has a cold?
Blitzen: Who?
Santa: Rudolph.
Blitzen: Why do you say that?
Santa: 'Cause his nose is red.
Blitzen: You sleigh me.
George: Did you hear what happened with the reanimated caveman who gave birth to an octopus?!
Frank: Yes.
George: Then no need to tell you again.
Bezel: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Bev: What?
Bezel: Hell if I know!
Bev: I hate you.
Frita: A monster was having dinner in a restaurant and ordered soup.
Orville: *trips*
James: That reminds me, I left something in the oven!
man 1: What time is it?
man 2: Who you callin', Clock Face?!
Marsha: How was your job interview?
Mary: I blew it.
Marsha: You whore.
two men stranded on a tiny desert island:
man 1: We are stranded on a tiny desert island.
man 2: Would you please stop saying that?
Sheila: There's something in my eye!
Ava: Is it your finger?
Sheila: Well I'll be...
Sheila: There's something in my ear!
Ava: It's your finger again.
Sheila: Ooooooooooohh!
Sheila: Mmmmmrrrph!
Ava: Finger.
Sheila: Thanks.
Ava: I really gotta stop hangin' out with you.
man 7: Someone can't count.
Aaron: Shut up!
Q&As
Q: What's the difference between a baby and peanut butter?
A: One comes in a jar (the peanut butter).
Q: What was the newlywed overheard shouting from the hotel room, on her honeymoon?
A: "Here comes the bride!"
Q: Why is it good to make an elevator angry?
A: It'll only work if you press it's buttons.
Q: Why did the baker strip when she was making gingerbread men?
A: So they would rise.
Q: What does a thief put on stolen toast?
A: Purchased jelly (to throw 'em off the trail).
Q: What does a pirate say while eating a sandwich?
A: mmrrgrrfmm
Q: What does a grammar-obsessed pirate say while eating a sandwich?
A: Mmrrgrrfmm
Q: How many pounds is a ten-pound weight?
A: Depends on where you buy it.
Q: What's 3,682 divided by the square root of 16?
A: 920.5
Q: How many coconuts are in a biscuit?
A: Depends on if it's a coconut biscuit.
Q: What color is a red crayon?
Q: What kind of lame question is that?
A: Don't answer a question with a question, idiot.
Q: Why didn't Superman ever drown in a pool when he was younger?
A: He always had excellent supervision.
Q: What did the dead three-year old's autopsy say?
A: How he died.
KNOCK KNOCK
*knock, knock*
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co -
...wait wait, start over, I wasn't ready.
*knock, knock*
I'm deaf.
Oh, sorry.
No problem.
*knock, knock*
Who's there?
What? Really?! They are?! Where??!!
Pete Townsend: Thanks a lot for blowing our cover!
*knock, knock*
...
*knock, Knock*
...
*KNOCK, KNOCK*
...
Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, being a Jehovah's Witness and trying to get someone to answer the door.
HAPPY TO SEE ME
Answers to: Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
What on earth are you talking about? You know I don't like bananas.
Well I'll tell you this, I'm allergic to bananas... *nudge, nudge*
You're ugly and I like bananas, so the odds aren't in your favor.
I'm a woman.
Whatever it is, I'm giving it to your monkey.
Why the hell can't a guy be happy to see someone and have a banana in his pocket?!!
These pants don't have pockets.
It's an orange.
blind man: Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
man 1: Let go.
Vampire 1: How was your vampire party last night?
Vampire 2: It was good.
Santa: Are you a cannibal?
Donner: You'd think so, wouldn't you?
*phone rings*
Secretary: Hello, this is the Red Cross.
Ct. Dracula: Do you deliver?
Secretary: No.
invisible woman: Did you miss me while I was gone?
invisible man: You were gone?!
invisible woman: You don't love me! I'm leaving you!
invisible man: You're still here?
Sam: What lovely eyes you have.
Pam: Stop trying to kiss my ass, bitch.
Santa: Which reindeer has a cold?
Blitzen: Who?
Santa: Rudolph.
Blitzen: Why do you say that?
Santa: 'Cause his nose is red.
Blitzen: You sleigh me.
George: Did you hear what happened with the reanimated caveman who gave birth to an octopus?!
Frank: Yes.
George: Then no need to tell you again.
Bezel: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Bev: What?
Bezel: Hell if I know!
Bev: I hate you.
Frita: A monster was having dinner in a restaurant and ordered soup.
Orville: *trips*
James: That reminds me, I left something in the oven!
man 1: What time is it?
man 2: Who you callin', Clock Face?!
Marsha: How was your job interview?
Mary: I blew it.
Marsha: You whore.
two men stranded on a tiny desert island:
man 1: We are stranded on a tiny desert island.
man 2: Would you please stop saying that?
Sheila: There's something in my eye!
Ava: Is it your finger?
Sheila: Well I'll be...
Sheila: There's something in my ear!
Ava: It's your finger again.
Sheila: Ooooooooooohh!
Sheila: Mmmmmrrrph!
Ava: Finger.
Sheila: Thanks.
Ava: I really gotta stop hangin' out with you.
man 7: Someone can't count.
Aaron: Shut up!
Q&As
Q: What's the difference between a baby and peanut butter?
A: One comes in a jar (the peanut butter).
Q: What was the newlywed overheard shouting from the hotel room, on her honeymoon?
A: "Here comes the bride!"
Q: Why is it good to make an elevator angry?
A: It'll only work if you press it's buttons.
Q: Why did the baker strip when she was making gingerbread men?
A: So they would rise.
Q: What does a thief put on stolen toast?
A: Purchased jelly (to throw 'em off the trail).
Q: What does a pirate say while eating a sandwich?
A: mmrrgrrfmm
Q: What does a grammar-obsessed pirate say while eating a sandwich?
A: Mmrrgrrfmm
Q: How many pounds is a ten-pound weight?
A: Depends on where you buy it.
Q: What's 3,682 divided by the square root of 16?
A: 920.5
Q: How many coconuts are in a biscuit?
A: Depends on if it's a coconut biscuit.
Q: What color is a red crayon?
Q: What kind of lame question is that?
A: Don't answer a question with a question, idiot.
Q: Why didn't Superman ever drown in a pool when he was younger?
A: He always had excellent supervision.
Q: What did the dead three-year old's autopsy say?
A: How he died.
KNOCK KNOCK
*knock, knock*
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co -
...wait wait, start over, I wasn't ready.
*knock, knock*
I'm deaf.
Oh, sorry.
No problem.
*knock, knock*
Who's there?
What? Really?! They are?! Where??!!
Pete Townsend: Thanks a lot for blowing our cover!
*knock, knock*
...
*knock, Knock*
...
*KNOCK, KNOCK*
...
Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, being a Jehovah's Witness and trying to get someone to answer the door.
HAPPY TO SEE ME
Answers to: Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
What on earth are you talking about? You know I don't like bananas.
Well I'll tell you this, I'm allergic to bananas... *nudge, nudge*
You're ugly and I like bananas, so the odds aren't in your favor.
I'm a woman.
Whatever it is, I'm giving it to your monkey.
Why the hell can't a guy be happy to see someone and have a banana in his pocket?!!
These pants don't have pockets.
It's an orange.
blind man: Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
man 1: Let go.
2 comments:
Hilarious!
Hi, I see 'Constant Gardener' amongst your fav movies; have you read the book too?
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